A Peecharrifica Blog

Some of you know about me, some of you don’t, and either way, here’s a brief synopsis: I used to be a sex worker. I’ve shared parts of my life and experiences many times on this blog, but I’ve never clearly said this here (or to many people at all).

I’ve felt a lot of ways about my past and sex work - none of them good. I’m well aware there are people (mostly white women) who are loud and proud about their careers as sex workers. I do not deny them their pride and do not wish to change their viewpoint.

However, I was what is known as a survival sex worker; A person who is surviving only because of sex work (some are homeless, some would be homeless if it wasn’t for sex work, some would go hungry, some would see their children go hungry, etc…). When I started my business a few weeks ago, I was making under $300 dollars a month while working over 80 hours a week doing sex work.

I wanted to disappear every day - in fact, in a lot of ways, I did. For months while I applied for every job I could find (and getting no call-backs, as no one wants to hire someone who has been unemployed or had shady “contract based” employment on their resume), I did sex work and never spoke to anyone except you all - my friends on Tumblr.

I bet my entire life on this business. A few people were kind enough to invest a little bit of money in my business and I estimated I had just enough money to get through two weeks of work. I knew if I failed, I’d be right back at home - and I hoped I’d live through it if I had to go back, but I purposed in my heart to never have to say I’d failed and had to return to sex work.

Many of you emailed me about my blog series “Getting To Good” and told me you wanted to give and invest but were unable to do so financially. I wished then, and still do, that I’d had the words to say what I needed to say to each of you: Knowing you would take your time and energy to send me positive waves of love was what I needed so much in those moments, it was more than enough. Thank you. I’ve wanted to say it to you for so long, I didn’t have the words, and I’m sorry for it.

I still don’t have all I need, this much is true. I can’t lie and say things are at 100% or say I’m not still a little bit afraid (they aren’t and I am), but I can say I quit today. This morning I emailed the company I was contracting with and put in my notice to end my contract with them. I’m assuming they will simply end my agreement with them as soon as they read the letter, but I was never one to walk away from a job at all - much less without notice.

This is truly hard for me to write - I had to step away for a few hours and come back to it. It’s really hard for me to talk about it in any sort of depth, but I figure now’s as good a time as any.

So I quit today. I’m not afraid, I’m more cautious than anything. I think I’ve passed the point of pissing in the wind and hoping it lands in or near a toilet. I’m to a point now where I know: plan, contingency plan, preparation, contingency preparation, action. I know things will be disappointing here and there, but I’m ready for it because I have (sort of) a plan.

Something about sex work latches onto you - at least it did for me. In the back of my mind, for the past 10 years of my life, I’ve thought, “Well, if it doesn’t work out, I can go back to sex work.”  I’ve romanticized it - imagined the heaps of cash rolling in and completely erased the reality: most sex workers stay on Broke Mode and have occasional “good” weeks or months (which turn out to be the times they talk about the most - making it easy for non-sex workers to be misled about the industry).

So, more than just quitting, I made a decision today: It’s going to work out, because I’m not going back. Yes, I need money. Yes, I have bills that are unpaid. Yes, I have plenty of reasons to worry. No, I am not worried at all. I’ve realized there is no Arrival to Good. Good is a journey. It’s a mish and mash of instances and experiences and reactions. It’s a perfume, a lacquer, a smile from someone who feels beautiful for the first time in a long time.

I’ve realized I’ll always be Getting to Good, but I’ll be Fine on my way there.

Thanks for sticking around with me.
All my love,
Peech

Ugh so many amazing things happened today - including that, while doing no work today (just setting up and organizing my space), I got a free booth to do hair at (no extra rent) and I now have a total of 4 appointments for tomorrow (3) and monday (1) who are all non-relatives and strangers to me.

That’s a super giant deal for a brand new tech/stylist working in a town they don’t live in (I commute 40 minutes each way). The salon has a facebook page and posted each and every single one of my nail photos to their page. People called all day today asking when I was going to start working! They know I do walk-ins, so I am very expectant to see more than just those 4 appointments!

I’m so super excited. I’m hoping tomorrow night to go to one or two of the local gentleman’s clubs and regular bars there and give out some cards.

This shit is going to be fantastic.

To all of you who invested in me - through words, prayers, love, support, strength, and even financially: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I’m not there yet, but I damn sure will be.

Love to each and every one of you - and I promise I will not spam your emails with thank you letters any more than I already have, but my gratitude is so gigantic, it’s hard to contain my excitement. I just… wanted to say Thank You.

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being here with me through this.

I don’t have any money, my rent is due, my bills are due, I have a house full of hair and nail supplies, and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to pay the booth rent at the salon either.

I care, but I’m not sad. I’m not going to quit. I’m getting up and getting dressed and I’m going to work. I’m not going to wait another day to do what I know I should have been doing all along - helping other people and creating beautiful art.

It’s December 1st and I’m scared and nervous and jumpy and expectant and excited.

I’m still working toward the full amount I’ll need to begin work.

If you’d like to, you can donate, and if you’d like to, you can purchase beauty products I have for sale. They are all new, unused, and great gifts for the people in your life who love beauty products!

I’m nervous and scared and excited, but most of all, I’m expecting great things.

Goodnight.

Mango, I’m struggling today. Struggling to keep my mood up and my emotions in check.

I’m going through one of those times where it seems like I take one step forward and get shoved back 5.

And what do you do? What can you do? I can’t give up. I can’t lay down and let go. I can’t. That’s not an option. So I gotta keep trucking - even though the last thing I feel like doing is staying on this phone for another 20 hours and only getting paid for 3.

Somebody say a prayer for your girl, tho. Shit, please.

You should setup a PayPal link so your followers can help. A buck or two here and there adds up when you’ve got big expenses like this and you have a huge following. I bet people would contribute!
______________

that’s a good idea - I actually don’t have a huge following and I know a lot of my friends and followers are struggling too, so I try not to ask too much. If all my followers could give (or even lend) me $5, I’d be set. for real. But I know a lot of folk trying to put food on the table and keep lights on, so I just ask ppl, if you wanna donate, please do.

my paypal is 304 Soaps at Gmail and there’s a link on my page now (i hope it works - it gave me heaps of trouble).

But if you can’t donate? a signal boost (if you want to) and friendship is amazing and such a blessing too.

So, repairs on my car cost over $1000. Which means that where I’d planned to be, I’m not even close anymore. This is… a setback and, like many setbacks I’ve experienced, it feels permanent. Logical thought tells me it’s not permanent - very few things in life are - but it feels that way.

On one hand, I’m thankful I was able to get the car repaired as without the repairs three mechanics agreed the car would not keep running much longer. Belts were cracked, hoses were not attached, the battery was bad, the fuse box was melted, filters were old and others were clogged, and a host of other issues. I wasn’t able to get them all fixed because the price they gave me was nearly $5,000 to fix everything.

I sort of feel like, “Can I catch a break, God?” But then I realize I’ve caught more than a few, and I’ve been very blessed to have friends and family who will console me and suggest changes I can make to get me closer to my salon.

I finally committed to December 1st as an opening date - I feel like having an open-ended date was also holding me back. Knowing I have less than 30 days will make me work harder on the phone and I hope that will lead to larger checks. My last one from them was less than $100 so I think part of this is me hoping and believing something awesome will happen.

I had hoped the investor would come through - he called me again and asked if we could meet. I told him I didn’t need as much capital as before and he was happy to hear it but said he was still willing to lend me the full amount we’d agreed on a few months back. He asked me to call him in 7 days, which I did and it turned out he was at the hospital for an emergency surgery his child needed. He asked me to call him back in 5 days, which I did and I was sent straight to voicemail and haven’t received a call back yet. This was 4 days ago.

I’m not sure if I should just leave it alone and not call again or if I should contact him once more. I’m honestly not. At this point, he’s said, “Just give me a call in a week and we’ll go to dinner/lunch/coffee and get you a check,” 12 times? Yes. Wait, maybe 13. 12 or 13 times. And I’ve called each time when he’s instructed but nothing has ever come of it.

I had an angel investor who lent me over half the capital I’d originally planned that I needed, but that was before my car repairs came to more than twice what I’d estimated they would.

So, I’m back home. The temp job is over. I made only enough money from it to pay my rent anyway. The corner store is not hiring. None of the factories here will hire me because I’ve never done factory work (don’t you have to work to get experience? But you have to have experience to get work? What?). I applied at the casinos again but haven’t gotten calls returned from the “i just wanted to check on my application” calls I made last week and the week before… and the week before.. and the week before.

If everything worked out perfectly, I need $1500.00 (to cover spending on current living expenses and my car repairs). I don’t know if I’ll have that. I might barely have enough product to get through a week when December 1st comes round. I don’t want to do that, but I certainly don’t want to keep saying, “Well maybe January 1st” “Maybe February 1st” “Maybe March 1st” until December 2013 comes round and I’m still at home on the phone lines. I don’t want that. So I’ll do whatever I can with whatever I have by December 1st.

Oddly though, I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t feel too terribly sad. I am a little bit stressed out, but no more than usual (which for me is like a 12 on a scale of 1-5). December 1st is coming quickly, the phone lines will never stop ringing so I just have to be on them longer. I can be logged in 24 hours a day if I want. I’m logged in right now.

Nothing is hopeless. I believe that. Nothing is hopeless and I will have my salon.

So this is Getting To Good: Getting A Job